Struggle, Pain and Self-resilience
I, Usha B.K., am currently 22 years old. I live in Khar Kholi, Birendranagar Municipality-7, in Surkhet district. I was born into a Dalit family. My family’s economic condition was very critical. Both my parents did daily labor to sustain the house. Sometimes they got work, but the days when they didn’t get work, even lighting the chulo seemed impossible.From a very young age, I have witnessed pain, struggle and scarcity very closely. Our home was on the banks of the Kharkholi river so duing the monsoon, there was always a high risk of flooding. When the water rose in the river, we spent countless nights sleepless, in fear and fright for our lives.
Due to weak financial conditions, unsafe habitation and social discrimination, my childhood passed with difficulty. I was very interested in studying. It was my childhood dream to go to school, to read and to become a successful person, but, given our financial condition, I couldn’t regularly continue my education, and could only read till grade 7. I was still small, when i couldn’t even understand the meaning of life, but due to our family’s condition I was married off to Bikram B.K of the same village, at the age of 14. After the child marriage, my ife became more darker. I faced more sorrow than happiness, after marriage, I faced domestic violence and more pain. My husband was under the influence of intoxicating substances most of the time and drank alcohol. He used to fight over small things, shouted at me and always gave me mental stress. Sometimes I used to have to endure physical violence. I gave spent countless nights crying. My heart was filled with fear, pain and sorrow. I couldn’t openly confront my feelings with anyone. The society always thinks, ‘A woman should bear everything’. That is why i always stayed silent, always tolerating. Slowly, my mental state became weaker, and became ore stressed. Sometimes I felt there was no reason to live. Because of continuous violence, humiliation and sufferein I started feeling symptoms akin to depression. I started thinking of suicide. Those were the darkest times of my life. During that time, my mother became a part of a women’s group running under FEDO. She suggested that I stayed in the group as well. In the start I used to be very scared. I used to feel shy to share my opinions to others, but after my mother’s insistence, I became more participative in the group. The group held regular meetings, discussion and different awareness programs. The discussion included different topics like domestic violence, child marriage, caste discrimination, women’s rights, self-respect, legal rights and assistance and different social issues and practices. After listening to those discussions, my thoughts and perceptions began to change as well. For the first time I got to understand that women have rights as well. I began to realize that one does not have to silently endure violence, and that it is possible to speak out against injustice. Confidence started to grow within me. After participating in the group I started to ease my pain. The sisters at the group gave me confidence, and stopped feeling alone. After understanding my condition, FEDO gave me necessary support and counseling. Even though I had legal rights to fight against domestic violence, I didn’t have enough economic conditions to retaliate. During that time, the organization supported me with financial aids to pursue the legal process. That support became one of the most important foundations of my life.Through organization’s support, group’s motivation and my own courage, I made the decision to separate from that violent relationship. That decision was not easy. The society said many things, some said that women should not leave home. But for me to save myself and to make my own future, I had to make that decision. After separating from my husband my life was not easy either.i was even weaker financially. I was anxious about my future, but after staying in the group, my self confidence was building. I wanted to learn some skill and be self reliant. I always wanted to learn beauty parlor related work from my childhood. One day, during a discussion at FEDO organization, I put out my dream, ‘I want to learn beauty parlor training. My dream is to run my own business in the future.’
Considering my interest, condition and future, through FEDO’s recommendation, I got the opportunity to take beauty parlor training for a year at the Samndha Nepal. I was extremely happy hearing that news. For the first time in my life I could hope for my future. I was taking beauty parlor training in Chitwan. The training brought a very big change in my life. I am not just learning skills, I am also learning self-respect, self-reliance and the courage to lead a new life. Now there are four months of training left, I am at a level where I can open my own beauty parlor. I am learning how to talk to customers, modern beauty related skills, mehendi, hair care, makeup, facial care and many more skills. Now my new goal is to open my own beauty parlor. The process of getting necessary support to establish a training center is also moving forward. In the future I want to support my family by being more self reliant. I want to encourage those women who have faced similar violence and suffering to fight for their rights in the future. I used to think of myself as weak, helpless and sorrowful women. But today, I have become a self reliant, competent and a hopeful woman. This transformation was not easy. I have gone through lots of hardships, tears, and suffering to reach where I am today, If I had not gotten the opportunity to connect with FEDO, maybe today I would not be in this world today. The organization didn’t just help me, it gave me hope, self respect and a new life. That is why I am immensely grateful towards FEDO.
Today I only have one dream,
‘Now I want to live a dignified life, not in sorrow, but with my own hard work and confidence.’
